"Out of Control" - and Other Unpleasant Matters

This was posted to the Twinloss group this past December, four days before "Christmas Morning 12/25/2009 - 'Sacrament' and other late night thoughts."


Forgive the formality of this post. I know that when I'm really worried, I tend toward the formalistic.

It's going to be a long post, too.

I'll begin with the song I'm listening to: "Out of Control" by Oingo Boingo:

"Everyone says
Sooner or later you'll reach the end
Of the line
When things get rough
Some think it's easy to jump the ship . . .
You decide."

Now, the reason WHY I'm listening to it:

Yesterday I was chatting via YaHell Mess to a twin I met here.

We'd chatted previously, and the rapport is good.

I'd had a weird week, kicked off by a midnight phone call from the SCI (spinal cord injury) center where I'd interned before going to the UK for four years. (They knew I was back in town - I'd visited there the day before to catch up with old friends) Brian (the other half) woke me. (I can sleep very deeply)

A young man of 22 had lost his brother (not a twin) in a car wreck, and was now awake, hysterical with grief, and almost suicidal. Since his circumstances close paralleled mine, they'd called me.

I won't go into details, but the young man is doing better this week.

I chatted with the Twinloss twin about this: the feelings that I'd thought I'd thoroughly worked through are still there. They're muted, but still extant.

And then the Twinloss twin told me that he knew someone (I don't know if it was from this group) who was currently right on the edge of suicide.

With all of this background in mind, I'd like to share this URL:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DSIp7zyXO0&feature=PlayList&p=6DCC19ABCE\
39F0C6&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=9

I've also posted "Out of Control" in the Links here.

This is a dangerous time of year for some of us. I know that with the anniversary of Marcus's death coming a bit after Ancestor Night (Hallowe'en to most) and a month before the Solstice, with Yule five days later, the holidays can be really difficult.

So I'd like to say: If the thought of killing yourself is crossing your mind, don't invite it to pull up a chair and sit down and start talking in your head. Show it to the door and make sure it leaves.

I've been in that particular bad place, and it is not fun. It's dark, cold, bleak, confined, and despairing - like a grave.

I mean it when I say I love each and every one of you, even if we've never met, chatted, nor exchanged posts. We share something special, and we support each other through the rough patches, and celebrate good things when those happen.

So if anyone is thinking of suicide, please . . . I need you. Don't do anything so selfish. Suicide, a friend of mine advised me, is the ultimate tantrum. It's done out of anger, not depression.

So if you can't listen to the song, here are the lyrics:

Everyone says sooner or later you'll reach the end of the line
When things get rough some think it's easy to jump the ship . . .
You decide

I say--don't throw it away
There's about a million reasons why
Though you've heard them all before
And you're getting very tired
Lay your head on my lap and I'll sing you this lullaby

CHORUS

Don't you know
That everyone around you
Has felt the pain you feel today
You're out of control yeah--and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream
You're out of control . . .

There's a cloud--rollin' overhead and it seems to rain on no one else
There's a black sun--casting a black shadow,
and I know you feel so all alone
You're out of control--and you want the world to love you
Or maybe you just want a chance to let them know
That you live and breathe and suffer
And your back is in the corner and you've got nowhere to go

Nothin' for nothin'--everything's right at your fingertips--for a price
Who ever said that life on this planet would ever be paradise
I say--don't throw it away, you've got too many things to say
If you throw away your life, if you throw away your life . . .
The world will never be the same

CHORUS
You're out of control--and you move without direction
And people look right through your soul
You're out of control--and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream
And I wish that I could tell you, it'll only be a dream

So there it is.

In closing (he said, back to formal mode), without knowing it, every person here has gotten me through some really bad times -- usually without even knowing. And I'm greedy: I need ALL of you to be here.

So don't think about checking out early.

And if you do think about it, here's some good advice from my late Gran: go bake two loaves of bread (it keeps the hands occupied with something positive, smells fantastic while it's baking, and forces you to wait two hours for the loaves to rise twice).

Much love to all in the group,

Peace out.

Todd, twin to Marcus.